going in circles

haha.

i'm sorry, i just find it funny that i can never really truly get over this. :P
for the past month, i have successfully blocked this issue out of my life. and i was getting so much better. getting past it. forgetting about the good times that i missed so i could move on.

and then i see a glimpse of him online.. damn. its like a kick in the stomach all over again. hah. i gotta stop doing this to myself. hahaha

anyways... so michael jackson is dead :/ that kinda bothers me. i've been listening to "Rock With You" for the past couple of days. i miss that crazy psychopath. i always thought he was like immortal... never thought he'd die like this.

mmm other than that, life has been typical. friends have been keeping me company. haven't really seen anyone from college over the summer cept once. but i'm kinda glad that i'm hanging out with high school friends once again. i missed them so :]

umm... so nothing else to say. having a sleepover tonight :D
just like the good ol' high school summers! hehe

i'll update with something good soon.. promise. wait.. no i don't -____- cuz promises are for BITCHES. :P

happy = short tempered bitch

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Buddha 72/365

i'm not sure if people know this, but i have a very short fuse. almost to the point to where i need anger management. because i am a very angry person, despite my nickname. (happy, if you didn't know, is my nickname) and when i'm angry.... whoooo... you do NOT wanna be around to see me. and since you never WILL be around to see me when i'm raging with my tiny asian fury, i'm just going to list the things that i do when i'm furious.

*10 Things Happy Does When She's Engulfed in her Rage*

1. Cuss up a storm. i'm a huge pottymouth when i'm normal. you can only imagine how much cussin' goes on when i'm actually angry. my favorite thing to do is to add the adjective 'fuckin' to every word. it just seems right at the time.
2. Get violent. yes, i'm guilty as charged. i'm a violent angry person. i throw things. i kick things. i slam doors. and if given a punching bag, i'm pretty sure i could punch a hole right through it. i should probably invest in a punching bag soon. i don't think my doors can take any more abuse >_<
3. Never discuss with others why I'm angry. online. sure. one the phone or in person, i have a hard time unless i'm already a little bit cooled down. cuz if i'm still angry, i do the next thing on the list.
4. Cry. i'm a big baby. if i start talking about what i'm mad at, i start crying. which is why i'd rather just tell everyone "FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!" compensating for something else -___-
5. Brush my hair. hahaha kinda random sounding, right? Yeah, i brush my hair because it always feel calming to me. mmmmm...
6. Smoke. -smacks self- bad. bad bad. well no i don't anymore. but yeahh it calmed my nerves a lot too.
7. Turn up the volume. i like to shut everyone out if i'm angry. i'll turn the volume up on the tv, even if its as stupid as hannah montana on. if miley cyrus's voice can drown out everyone else's in the house, then its fine by me.
8. Eat. ahhhh... thats why i'm such a fatty. and when i'm angry when i eat, i eat like a beast. not in the sense of, i eat a lot. but i eat LIKE one. as in the angry chomping and shoving handfuls into my mouth.... its gross. another reason why i don't people around when i'm angry.
9. Internet surf. anything to get my mind off the topic. i usually end up going to Fmylife.com though...
10. Sit. and just think. usually daydream about revenge and ill thoughts. 'cause i'm an awful person like that T_T

ugghh i hate being angry. i'm actually ANGRY that i am ANGRY. does that make sense?!
WTF!

bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit

bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit.

so fuckin' fuckin' fuckin' TIRED of having these broken promises ALL THE TIME. 'cause thats all i ever seem to get. i don't even think i've ever had a promise actually FULFILLED before. and its not even only big bullshit promises, but even little ones. i'm so tired of being LIED TO.

WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE. if you can't keep a stupid promise, don't make one! you people should be capable of knowing what you'll be able to keep.

don't fuckin tell me that you promise you'll "come back to me" when you know you won't. or don't get the fuckin nerve to tell me "oh tomorrow, i promise we'll go" when you know you're gonna end up doing something stupid instead.

i'm so fuckin SICK and TIRED of stupid people LYING to my face ALL THE FUCKIN TIME.

GODDAMMIT PEOPLE. if all you guys are gonna do is make empty promises to me, then i'd rather you stop talking to me at all. fuckin jerks.

IUHEOUARHOIHOSHGOSFH. ughh... i know i said 'fuck' probably 0932892454781240 times in this post. but i'm beyond pissed right now. you don't even know.


i need to get the fuck outta this place.

sick twice in a month... wtf?!

i really need to start taking my daily multivitamins...

so i woke up this morning, shivering cold, entire body aching, and coughing my freakin insides out. my sister even said i was hacking away while i was sleeping. even typing is killing my wrists but i felt i should share my thoughts on how BULLSHIT THIS IS!

AARRRGHHH!

why?! the first time i got the flu, i woke up and immediately puked my insides out and wobbled around the house feeling SOOO disoriented. its like i was hungover or something.. but i didn't go drinking the night before. apparently, my dad was puking all day too... and soon it spread to everyone in the family... except my younger brother -___-

i'm so thankful my baby sister, kimmie, and my bestie, angeline, took care of me for the day. haha. felt so bad tho when the next morning my sister was puking and freakin out too... oops.

and now this morning... woke up with a temperature of 104.. ughh my body couldnt be in anymore pain, the slightest movement makes my entire body flip out. AH MY GOD MY HANDS FEEL LIKE THEYRE GOING TO FALL OFF!! but i'm an idiot so i'll keep typing..

okay i'm gonna go rest before my head explodes
bye byes <3

why music is my life.

though i have never considered myself great at any instrument i have played, i consider music a huge part of who i am. i think back and believe that i would most definitely not be the same person i am today if i had not touched my aunt's piano when i was three years old. or if i hadn't learned those three simple chords from an exboyfriend. it keeps me occupied. it keeps me a little more focused and a little less stressed.

lets see... i started playing piano when i was about 3 years old. i was always at my aunt's place, where she owned two pianos. i don't know what it was, but i was instantly drawn to it. well... most small children love banging on pianos as well. luckily, my aunt's housekeeper knew how to play and taught me several songs, such as Heart & Soul and other piano classics. my mom, seeing some potential, hired several piano teachers to help me advance this skill. but it wasn't the same as playing for fun. i began to see the piano as a nuisance. probably because my last teacher was like a nazi... i took lessons for 10 whole years and finally stopped. i never became a great pianist within that long timespan. i was pretty average because even though i played for such a long time, i wasn't taught some basic things, such as using the pedals, remembering chords or tempo.

years after i had stopped playing, i stopped by the old piano room and sat down. i found that when i didn't have a senile nazi woman yelling and scolding me for every wrong note, the piano was actually relaxing for me. i found that playing songs that i actually wanted to play was exciting and took my mind off of things i didn't want to think about. i only thought about the songs i played and focused on making it sound perfect.

during the timespan that i took piano lessons, all i could think about is how much i wished i played guitar instead. i wanted to be a rockstar. guitar seemed so much cooler than playing piano 'like a geek.' haha oh dear god.. i always had two guitars in the house passed down from my greatuncle, but i never picked them up. i even asked my dad to teach me but he never found the time to. it wasn't until i began seeing someone who was pretty talented with a guitar. i remember the first song he taught me how to play was from the movie PS I love you. "i will love you till the end" haha such a cheesy song.. but it was simple. so i learned it

pretty soon, i was looking up song tutorials and tabs online, teaching myself every chord and perfecting my strum, which is still pretty off because i'm left handed and playing guitar righty (and no i'm not one of those people who do different things with different hands.)

what i loved about playing the guitar is that i could lie in bed and play the day away, being the lazy butthead that i am. haha. i wouldn't have to worry about my posture affecting my playing, like piano.

i love both instruments equally since they always seem to have a way to empty my thoughts temporarily. i have a ridiculous mind with overflowing thoughts that i don't exactly like to have. my music helps me walk away once in awhile. especially during tough times. my music is my outlet. and life.

i'm so thankful i have my instruments with me.

i don't know why i wrote a whole essay on this. this is a result of playing the piano and guitar all day long.

getting into the swing of things

i've never tried so hard to push someone away from my life. but i'm glad i am.
i'm getting better at this, and feel like i'm getting back into the swing of being single. i haven't been single since high school started. always been jumping from boy to boy to boy. since the last three relationships had like no breaks between, i almost forgot what it was like to be single. it was so... awkward feeling. not having anyone to sweet talk to before i went to bed. once i came to the realization that all that sweet talk was nothing but bullshit, i started sleeping better. i found it less difficult to occupy myself.

its funny trying to be single again. haha seriously! today, or yesterday(its like 4am), i headed over to gsp with kamille and aaron. kamille and i had decided we had enough with guys and went to the mall as 'girlfriends for the day' LOL we held hands, linked pinkies and everything. hehe i felt so silly but it was fun acting goofy. eventually, we walked past some 3D laser engraving kiosk er something.. and there was a cute guy working. ;] i didn't say anything, but when kamille brought him up, we started giggling like dumb high school girls again. at one point eventually, we walked back to the kiosk and started talking to him. hehe foreign guys are cute. things got kinda funny though when he asked to buy my phone. no, not my number. he just wanted my phone. LOL weird.. but whatever. it was fun for what it was

today, while driving around, we started talking about high school and how we were so easily amused back then. it was such a treat to even get out once in awhile! and for some reason, we always felt like we had something to do when we were out. now that most of us (except me) have a car... theres nothing to do. we lounge around wherever, wondering what the hell we could do in this godforsaken area known as rockland county -___-

regardless, its good being in the company of good friends. friends who won't lecture me whenever i say "fuck the world!" nope. these are the friends who put their arms around my shoulder and yell "fuck the world!" along side with me :]

love ya guys<3

to one of the greatest men i knew

i can't believe that you're gone. you, the closest uncle i ever had. i basically grew up in your house and spent most of my life there, with you usually there to tease me and joke around with me. you always made me smile with your booming laughter and mean scary sense of humor. i remember when you'd scare me all the time when i was little by putting on a scary devil mask. i'd cry for hours. but i think i'd give anything to see you scare me like that again and fill the room with laughter. i remember how you'd amaze my siblings and i with your 'magic trick.' i could never figure out how you always managed to change a piece of tissue into bubblegum until the end of middle school.

when you were first rushed to the hospital after being diagnosed, i was terrified. but when you began to recover and started to laugh and make jokes about being thrown into a retirement home for rehab, it was like a big relief. i knew you were going to be okay. but as the months passed and i saw how frail you were becoming and how little you were laughing, i knew the inevitable was happening. just seeing you not smiling and laughing was such a sad sight.

after hearing that you were in the hospital dying, hearing my mom cry on the phone, i didn't even know how to react. all i kept thinking in my head was "i should be crying right now" but i couldn't grasp onto the reality of the situation. i never thought the day would come that i'd actually lose someone so close in the family. even at your home, when everyone was comforting tita nely and paying their respects, i didn't entirely know what was going on. i kept on waiting for you to come out and eat with the rest of us. i passed by your bedroom and saw it empty, knowing that you wouldn't be there anymore. its so hard to think that you won't be there anymore during holidays and family parties.

its funny how the world works sometimes. a man so healthy and cautious about his well being, so generous and kind, would be taken from this world so early. a man who had never even touched a cigarette and became a good role model to everyone around him, to be diagnosed with lung cancer. it just goes to show you that cancer doesn't discriminate.

i've decided that i would give up smoking cigarettes for good now. everytime i said i would give it up, it would be because the guy i was seeing at the time would always tell me to stop. but everytime i stopped seeing whoever i had been seeing, i'd go back to the habit. i always told myself that i wouldn't change whatever i was doing because someone told me to. and i still see it that way. but this time, i'm doing it out of respect for the man who shouldn't have been diagnosed with it.

a great man left this world today. and everyone who was lucky enough to know him will miss him greatly.
i love you tito fred. watch over us in heaven, please.
RIP Alfredo Recano 4/6/40 - 6/7/09

caught up in my rage

i've been such an angry mess recently.

it sucks that i've been so fed up with being emo and sad in the past, that i've completely replaced that emotion with anger and frustration. i'm filled with so much hate that i seriously don't even know what to do with myself anymore. its almost as if i've convinced myself that all i want to do is to hurt someone to compensate the pain my heart went through. and i know i don't wanna do that. because no matter how 'tough' i wanna seem, i think i'm still a nice girl. and i wanna stay calm but everytime the topic of love and dating comes up, i find myself ranting and yelling about my hate for the opposite sex. its become almost involuntary at this point.

denial is so unbecoming.

but theres one thing i can't deny. theres nothing left there for me to hold on to so theres no use for even hoping anymore. ARGH. MORE FRUSTRATION. just because i always know when something or someone is bad for me, but i can never pull away. and i'm almost LITERALLY banging my head on my desk over this.

why. cant. i. get. over. this. bullshit.

-insert frustrated yell-